"Breast Cancer Show Ever"
Transcript: Arrow et mpm
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Okay children, let's all take our seats.
Before we get started today, Wendy Testaburger has asked
to share something with the class.
Wendy?
Thank you, Mr. Garrison.
Fellow students, October is awareness month
for the one of the leading causes of death for women.
A terrible disease that takes the lives of American women every day.
I'm talking of course, about breast cancer.
An estimated one in six women will deal with cancer in their lifetime
and breast cancer is the most common.
She said it again.
Is there a problem?
Because breast cancer isn't funny.
Breast cancer is killing people.
Mr. Garrison, do we really need all this potty talk in the classroom?
Eric, for the love of Jesus.
This is a serious issue, Eric.
What you're doing is very offensive.
Me? You're the one talking about killer titties.
Watch out, guys. Wendy says boobs can kill people.
Gonna get you. Gonna get you, Wendy.
I don't wanna get killed by boobs.
Will somebody do something?
Every week, he gets worse and nobody does anything.
Eric, stop being offensive.
I'm just trying to engage Wendy
in a constructive dialog about breast cancer awareness, Mr. Garrison.
No, you aren't.
Wendy, you need to calm down.
You're gonna get your boobs all angry
and they're gonna start killing everyone.
Dude, I'm on fire today!
Look out everyone, there's some killer titties on the loose.
Could have swore I heard them coming through the roof.
Officer, we need to get an APB out on those titties.
They're armed and dangerous.
What is your problem?
Breast cancer isn't funny.
Not at all.
Wendy. We're gonna get you, Wendy.
Where are your boobs? We're gonna kill you.
You better shut up or I'll make you shut up.
Really? What are you gonna do about it, Wendy?
I'm gonna kick your ass, that's what I am going to do.
You're gonna kick my ass?
That's right, I am gonna kick your ass.
You want to throw down, dawg? I'll throw down.
- You think you're tough. - Wassup? Wassup?
I'll smack the shit out of you.
Standing right here, let's go bitch.
After school, we fight after school, you got that?
You're gonna fight me after school?
- That's right. - You're a chick, dude.
As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside, you got that?
- And you better be there. - It's on, bitch.
You're gonna fucking die!
Wendy and Eric are fighting after school. Hey, everybody!
Wendy and Eric are fighting after school.
What?
Wendy and Cartman are gonna fight after school.
Really?
Wendy and Cartman are fighting after school.
Hey, emo kids. Cartman and Wendy are gonna fight after school.
Did she just call us emos?
Geez, I can't believe Wendy's gonna fight you after school.
She is pissed off.
She's not gonna show up to a fight, dawg.
I'm sure she's already tried to figure out a way to get out of it.
Hey, check it out. She's totally staring you down.
She sure seems confident.
You should probably go easy on her, dude.
You don't wanna put her in a hospital or anything.
Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson.
I'm not gonna totally kick her ass.
Can't go too easy on her, though.
God forbid she actually gets in a good punch and beats you.
If you get beat by a girl, everyone would think you're a faggot.
Wendy, could I talk to you for a second?
What?
Wendy, I want to apologize
- and tell you that... - What?
I want to apologize
and tell you that...
I'm sorry for what I said, okay?
It was wrong of me
and I promise you that it won't happen again.
I don't want to fight you after school, all right?
So, I'm sorry.
If you're really sorry, you can say it in front of everyone!
Actually I was thinking let's just keep this between us.
I was wrong to make fun of breast cancer
and I'm very remorsefulness.
No, if you're really sorry and you want to apologize to me,
then do it in front of everyone!
Apologize?
That's not what I said, you dumb bitch.
Yes, you did.
You just stood there and said you apologized
and you don't want to fight.
Oh, Wendy...
Such a desperate attempt to get out of it.
These students are a little too smart
to see you're just making excuses to get out of fighting me.
I don't want an excuse.
I'm going to beat the fuckin' shit out of you.
That's funny. You're going to die, you...
lezbo.
Wendy, seriously though...
I do want to apologize,
I'm really sorry and I don't think we should fight.
Get away from me!
So, everyone's saying there's going to be a fight
between Eric Cartman and your girlfriend.
I guess so.
And you're gonna... just let that guy beat up on your woman?
Doesn't that like... go against your jockey man code or something?
Yeah, I don't ever remember
AC/DC singing about letting dudes beat up on their girlfriends.
What am I supposed to do about it?
Don't worry, Stan.
I don't think the fight's even going to happen.
Cartman said that Wendy is already begging him to it call the fight off.
- I'll bet she is. - I hope not.
I wanna see Eric kick the crap out of her.
Wendy, Wendy.
What?
Just real-real quick. Just real quick.
Wendy, you're not gonna believe this.
I just found out my mom has breast cancer.
Man, I sure got what was coming to me.
I was a real jerk and now, they're gonna cut off my mom's boobs.
You really think that's gonna work on me?
Wendy...
I have here $27 in cash.
If you just call off the fight then I--
You can't bribe your way out of this.
- Wendy, I have muscular dystrophy. - No, you don't.
My mom has muscular dystrophy
- in her boobs. - You don't get it, asshole.
There is nothing you can do to stop this fight.
I am going to wipe the playground with you,
right in front of everyone.
I'm going to shove your ass,
down your throat and make you eat your underwear.
- Eat my underwear? - That's right.
Okay. Okay, Wendy...
I will eat my underwear, right here and right now.
Jesus Christ! Do you have no sense of self-respect?
No.
Unless you want me to, you want me to have self-respect and I will.
You fucking suck so hard.
I'll eat my underwear, Wendy,
and then you'll be satisfied.
We can put this whole thing behind us.
- What are you doing? - I'm committed to peace, Wendy.
I want you to see just how humbled I am,
how much I...
Look at me, Wendy.
Oh, my God.
Are we cool?
I ate my underwear, what the hell do you want from me?
You are so pathetic.
Wendy, you little fag.
I ate my underwear for you.
Yo, what's up, dawg?
Stan, Stan...
- Dude, we need to talk. - What?
You know, Wendy and I are suppose to fight in like three hours.
Yeah.
Dude, aren't you worried? Wendy is a girl.
She could end up getting really hurt, Stan.
You're my bro and she's your bitch.
I don't wanna hurt my bro's bitch.
I can't do anything. She really wants to fight you.
No, she doesn't.
She told me she doesn't wanna fight.
She's just stuck, Stan.
Because she knows I'm gonna kick her ass,
but she feels like if she doesn't fight me,
all the kids are gonna call her chicken.
- Really? - You know what she did.
She apologized and begged me not to fight her.
I said, "Well Wendy, if you're so sorry,
then say it in front of everyone,"
but she wouldn't.
That's how desperate she is.
Man, you have to do something, Stan.
You have to be a fucking man
and forbid her from fighting so she has a way.
Oh, that's where I put those.
Anyway Stan, you've got to put a stop to this fight.
Wendy's stuck and she needs you.
Dude, there's nothing I can do about it.
God, you are such a pussy, Stan. You're such a pussy,
When I hurt Wendy, it's gonna be on your fucking head.
And so you see,
at this point your rip disease knew he could not win the battle.
I'm going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyone.
If you got beat by a girl,
everyone would think you were a faggot.
Alright kids, for your homework tonight,
I want you all to read chapter 7.
Kick the shit out of him, Wendy!
Soon as the bell rings, we've got to get out there
and find a good place to watch the fight.
There's no way out.
She's gonna kick my ass in front of everyone.
Almost in.
And be ready for a quiz tomorrow morning.
I totally can't see the fight, dude. I've got detention after school.
Detention, that's it!
I've got to get detention fast!
Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk?
What's up? What's up?
Crapped on your desk, doc. What's up with that?
Welcome to detention, m'kay?
You're here until your parents come and pick you up.
Use your time to study.
Sweet.
Eric. Hey, Eric.
Eric, what's going on.
Everyone's starting to say
you got detention on purpose to get out of fighting Wendy.
What? That's ridiculous.
But some people said you crapped on teacher's desk to get out of the fight.
That's not why I did it.
Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk?
Because I'm hardcore.
You know, I'm anti-establishment.
That's how I roll, dawgs. I do hardcore stuff like that.
That's what I said. I told everyone outside,
"Cartman ain't scared of fighting Wendy. He'd do it if he could."
Damn straight.
I just got all punk rock and got detention, you know.
- I'm just a bad dude. - Okay, that's good.
Because we moved the fight to first thing in the morning tomorrow.
Before school starts.
Everyone is going to get there early.
In that way, it won't matter if you get detention.
Eric, get your buns back over here, m'kay?
Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts.
See you in the morning...
Champ.
Tomorrow morning, you fucking die.
Tomorrow morning.
- Wendy! - Yeah?
We need to talk to you, right now!
Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?
What? No.
Well, do you want to explain
why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?
Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?
You don't understand. He said horrible things.
The thing is, I totally said I was sorry,
but she still wants to beat me up.
Wendy, no matter what a person says,
you don't respond with violence.
Haven't we taught you that?
The thing is, Wendy.
I really think you're awesome,
and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you,
but I want to be your friend
because I don't have that many friends at school.
Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him!
- Mom, you don't-- - Now, young lady.
I'm not going to hurt you.
If there's any word of you fighting at school, it is over for you, missy.
- Do you understand? - Yes, sir.
We're so sorry about this, Ms. Cartman.
Oh, no, thank you so much for your time.
It really won't happen again.
You're very sweet. Thank you again.
Come on, muffin.
Okay, mommy.
Man, it's almost time for school to start.
Wendy still isn't here.
Yeah, I don't know what's going on. I mean, I showed up.
Where is she? How come Wendy's not showing up for the fight?
Here she comes!
What's up, Wendy?
I thought we were meeting early to fight.
You know I can't fight you.
Why not, you chicken?
I can't fight you because you came crying to my house
last night with your mom!
That's a doozie, Wendy.
You come up with that one on your own.
Yeah, did you come up with that one on your own?
I ain't frontin' dawg, let's do it. Let's do it right now, yo!
Come on, Wendy, kick his ass!
I can't!
Goddammit!
She chickened out.
I told you guys!
Oh, I'm glad that's over with.
Yeah, guess who dodged a bullet, Galahad.
I always knew deep down that Wendy didn't have any balls.
And so we must all recycle every day.
Recycling is important and it will save our planet
Earth.
The end.
Very nice, Clyde.
Okay, we have time for one more report before recess.
Who'd like to go?
Okay, Eric.
Thank you.
My report today is on breast cancer awareness.
I do not believe enough is being done
and like the victims of breast cancer,
there's something I'd like to get off my chest.
We all must fight and hopefully one day,
titty cancer will be a distant memory.
You unbelievable bastard. You beat me, but you won't stop.
What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?
Okay, Eric, that's enough you smart ass.
Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Why won't you just stop?
Wendy, Wendy!
Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office, please?
Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office.
God!
Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman?
No ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight.
Oh, no? Are you sure?
Yes, ma'am.
I see.
I noticed all the things you've done for breast cancer awareness month.
Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor?
Ma'am?
I was diagnosed seven years ago.
Cancer is pure evil.
It is fat little lump that needs to be destroyed.
When there is a cancer, you have to fight it.
You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away.
Cancer doesn't play by the rules so neither can you.
My parents said that if I fight--
And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you.
You have to be willing to give up everything
because the cancer will take everything.
Do you understand?
Yes, ma'am!
When you have cancer, you fight
because it doesn't matter if you beat it or not.
You refuse to let that fat little lump make you feel powerless.
She's gonna fight.
Wendy's gonna fight Cartman right now.
What?
Go deep, Craig.
Not that deep, retard.
She's coming. She's coming.
- Butters, get out of here. - But Wendy is coming to fight you.
Boy, here we go.
About freaking time.
All right. Let's do it!
What's up?
Wendy, don't forget I'll tell my mom on you.
I don't care.
Recess is almost over.
I don't know if there's really time.
Shut up and fight!
Alright, fine, Wendy. I'll fight you, you big bully!
Fuck him up, Wendy!
Wendy?
I'm finished.
Somebody, somebody call the principal!
You don't have to say anything.
I know how it is.
I'm no longer the cool kid.
Now you all think I'm a fag.
My school life is over
because now all the guys don't think I'm cool.
Dude, we never thought you were cool.
That's not true.
You're just saying that.
No, really, we've always thought you suck.
Yeah, nothing's changed.
Our opinion of you can't possibly go any lower.
You are just saying that to make me feel better.
No, it's true. We've always hated you.
Don't try and make me feel better, you guys.
Wait, wait a minute,
why would you guys be saying stuff to make me feel better?
Unless,
unless you do think I'm cool.
What?
If you're all trying to make me feel better,
then you must still like me.
I've been so worried about what you guys were going to think of me
getting beat up by a girl.
It turns out you think I'm cool no matter what!
Oh, God, what a relief!
Edits and Synchro: VeRdiKT [SubScene.com]